Catching breath

I've been living in a fantasy world of my own making. So many items on my perpetual list of good intentions, all good and worthy, fruitful and satisfying. But they defied the laws of space and time; something I have been reluctant to admit as I structured and re-structured my days to fit all the pieces together.

Most of the time I was able to create the illusion of success, and some days everything even lined up perfectly. But when the boundaries of what you want to accomplish are continually rubbing up against each other, edges begin to fray. Friction takes it's toll and pieces of the puzzle start to wear down.

With so many balls in the air, I literally could not choose which ones to let drop to the ground. I believed in the dichotomy of either/or and could not accept the sacrifices. I insisted that there was no overlap, so how could I not make it work? But the results speak for themselves.

Group blogs, non profit fund raising, retreats, doula clients, midwifery studies, yoga, food prep, food growing, retreats, choir, family.

See that? See what was last on my list? Horrible but true. My children and my husband had taken a back seat to my ambitions. And as is usually the case, it took breakage to see the weakness. My weakness. My daughters were acting out, I was fighting with my husband, damage was manifesting itself in the cracks of my foundation. I fought for a while to pretend that these fault lines were not mine, not related to my endeavors. But in the end I gave up.

And I've broken with that part of myself that couldn't let go of the vision of success above all else. What is success if failure is the step stool?

So there you have it. I've slowed down. Not just in my accomplishments, but in my expectations. I've removed the part that held on to attachment at all cost. I've delegated and given up being so concerned with how everything turns out. If it's important, it will get done, but it will not be because I fretted about it for hours outside of actually working on something. It won't be because I sacrificed that which should never be placed on the altar. The effort is enough, and the ends and finishes will find their own way.

And in the process I created a new fantasy world. One where time stops right before bedtime and stretches into endless moments where I can read and sing and love my children. One where time outside on a blue sky breezy day is suspended and extended in order to soak up laughter of babies like the rays of sunshine that they are. I'm lucky to have the choice. I know others don't and I wish we all did. But I'm appreciating making the decision that doesn't come natural to me, and finding unexpected joy.